1 twilight暮色-第35部分

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acquaintances…　but　I　was　homesick。　I　hated　knowing　I'd　upset　Esme；　and　

the　rest　of　them；　my　adopted　family。　In　the　pure　air　of　the　mountains　it　
was　hard　to　believe　you　were　so　irresistible。　I　convinced　myself　it　was　
weak　to　run　away。　I'd　dealt　with　temptation　before；　not　of　this　
magnitude；　not　even　close；　but　I　was　strong。　Who　were　you；　an　
insignificant　little　girl〃　—　he　grinned　suddenly　—　〃to　chase　me　from　the　
place　I　wanted　to　be？　So　I　came　back…〃　He　stared　off　into　space。　

I　couldn't　speak。　

〃I　took　precautions；　hunting；　feeding　more　than　usual　before　seeing　you　
again。　I　was　sure　that　I　was　strong　enough　to　treat　you　like　any　other　
human。　I　was　arrogant　about　it。　

〃It　was　unquestionably　a　plication　that　I　couldn't　simply　read　your　
thoughts　to　know　what　your　reaction　was　to　me。　I　wasn't　used　to　having　to　
go　to　such　circuitous　measures；　listening　to　your　words　in　Jessica's　
mind…　her　mind　isn't　very　original；　and　it　was　annoying　to　have　to　stoop　
to　that。　And　then　I　couldn't　know　if　you　really　meant　what　you　said。　It　
was　all　extremely　irritating。〃　He　frowned　at　the　memory。　

〃I　wanted　you　to　forget　my　behavior　that　first　day；　if　possible；　so　I　
tried　to　talk　with　you　like　I　would　with　any　person。　I　was　eager　
actually；　hoping　to　decipher　some　of　your　thoughts。　But　you　were　too　
interesting；　I　found　myself　caught　up　in　your　expressions…　and　every　now　
and　then　you　would　stir　the　air　with　your　hand　or　your　hair；　and　the　
scent　would　stun　me　again…　

〃Of　course；　then　you　were　nearly　crushed　to　death　in　front　of　my　eyes。　
Later　I　thought　of　a　perfectly　good　excuse　for　why　I　acted　at　that　moment　
—　because　if　I　hadn't　saved　you；　if　your　blood　had　been　spilled　there　in　
front　of　me；　I　don't　think　I　could　have　stopped　myself　from　exposing　us　
for　what　we　are。　But　I　only　thought　of　that　excuse　later。　At　the　time；　
all　I　could　think　was；　'Not　her。'〃　

He　closed　his　eyes；　lost　in　his　agonized　confession。　I　listened；　more　
eager　than　rational。　mon　sense　told　me　I　should　be　terrified。　Instead；　
I　was　relieved　to　finally　understand。　And　I　was　filled　with　passion　
for　his　suffering；　even　now；　as　he　confessed　his　craving　to　take　my　life。　

I　finally　was　able　to　speak；　though　my　voice　was　faint。　〃In　the　hospital？〃　

His　eyes　flashed　up　to　mine。　〃I　was　appalled。　I　couldn't　believe　I　had　
put　us　in　danger　after　all；　put　myself　in　your　power　—　you　of　all　people。　
As　if　I　needed　another　motive　to　kill　you。〃　We　both　flinched　as　that　word　
slipped　out。　〃But　it　had　the　opposite　effect；〃　he　continued　quickly。　〃I　
fought　with　Rosalie；　Emmett；　and　Jasper　when　they　suggested　that　now　was　
the　time…　the　worst　fight　we've　ever　had。　Carlisle　sided　with　me；　and　
Alice。〃　He　grimaced　when　he　said　her　name。　I　couldn't　imagine　why。　〃Esme　
told　me　to　do　whatever　I　had　to　in　order　to　stay。〃　He　shook　his　head　
indulgently。　

〃All　that　next　day　I　eavesdropped　on　the　minds　of　everyone　you　spoke　to；　
shocked　that　you　kept　your　word。　I　didn't　understand　you　at　all。　But　I　
knew　that　I　couldn't　bee　more　involved　with　you。　I　did　my　very　best　to　
stay　as　far　from　you　as　possible。　And　every　day　the　perfume　of　your　skin；　
your　breath；　your　hair…　it　hit　me　as　hard　as　the　very　first　day。〃　

He　met　my　eyes　again；　and　they　were　surprisingly　tender。　

〃And　for　all　that；〃　he　continued；　〃I'd　have　fared　better　if　I　had　exposed　
us　all　at　that　first　moment；　than　if　now；　here　—　with　no　witnesses　and　
nothing　to　stop　me　—　I　were　to　hurt　you。〃　

I　was　human　enough　to　have　to　ask。　〃Why？〃　

〃Isabella。〃　He　pronounced　my　full　name　carefully；　then　playfully　ruffled　
my　hair　with　his　free　hand。　A　shock　ran　through　my　body　at　his　casual　
touch。　〃Bella；　I　couldn't　live　with　myself　if　I　ever　hurt　you。　You　don't　
know　how　it's　tortured　me。〃　He　looked　down；　ashamed　again。　〃The　thought　
of　you；　still；　white；　cold…　to　never　see　you　blush　scarlet　again；　to　
never　see　that　flash　of　intuition　in　your　eyes　when　you　see　through　my　
pretenses…　it　would　be　unendurable。〃　He　lifted　his　glorious；　agonized　

eyes　to　mine。　〃You　are　the　most　important　thing　to　me　now。　The　most　
important　thing　to　me　ever。〃　

My　head　was　spinning　at　the　rapid　change　in　direction　our　conversation　
had　taken。　From　the　cheerful　topic　of　my　impending　demise；　we　were　
suddenly　declaring　ourselves。　He　waited；　and　even　though　I　looked　down　to　
study　our　hands　between　us；　I　knew　his　golden　eyes　were　on　me。　〃You　
already　know　how　I　feel；　of　course；〃　I　finally　said。　〃I'm　here…　which；　
roughly　translated；　means　I　would　rather　die　than　stay　away　from　you。〃　I　
frowned。　〃I'm　an　idiot。〃　

〃You　are　an　idiot；〃　he　agreed　with　a　laugh。　Our　eyes　met；　and　I　laughed；　
too。　We　laughed　together　at　the　idiocy　and　sheer　impossibility　of　such　a　
moment。　

〃And　so　the　lion　fell　in　love　with　the　lamb…〃　he　murmured。　I　looked　away；　
hiding　my　eyes　as　I　thrilled　to　the　word。　

〃What　a　stupid　lamb；〃　I　sighed。　

〃What　a　sick；　masochistic　lion。〃　He　stared　into　the　shadowy　forest　for　a　
long　moment；　and　I　wondered　where　his　thoughts　had　taken　him。　

〃Why…　？〃　I　began；　and　then　paused；　not　sure　how　to　continue。　

He　looked　at　me　and　smiled；　sunlight　glinted　off　his　face；　his　teeth。　

〃Yes？〃　

〃Tell　me　why　you　ran　from　me　before。〃　

His　smile　faded。　〃You　know　why。〃　

〃No；　I　mean；　exactly　what　did　I　do　wrong？　I'll　have　to　be　on　my　guard；　
you　see；　so　I　better　start　learning　what　I　shouldn't　do。　This；　for　
example〃　—　I　stroked　the　back　of　his　hand　—　〃seems　to　be　all　right。〃　

He　smiled　again。　〃You　didn't　do　anything　wrong；　Bella。　It　was　my　fault。〃　

〃But　I　want　to　help；　if　I　can；　to　not　make　this　harder　for　you。〃　

〃Well…〃　He　contemplated　for　a　moment。　〃It　was　just　how　close　you　were。　
Most　humans　instinctively　shy　away　from　us；　are　repelled　by　our　
alienness…　I　wasn't　expecting　you　to　e　so　close。　And　the　smell　of　your　
throat。〃　He　stopped　short；　looking　to　see　if　he'd　upset　me。　

〃Okay；　then；〃　I　said　flippantly；　trying　to　alleviate　the　suddenly　tense　
atmosphere。　I　tucked　my　chin。　〃No　throat　exposure。〃　

It　worked；　he　laughed。　〃No；　really；　it　was　more　the　surprise　than　
anything　else。〃　

He　raised　his　free　hand　and　placed　it　gently　on　the　side　of　my　neck。　I　
sat　very　still；　the　chill　of　his　touch　a　natural　warning　—　a　warning　
telling　me　to　be　terrified。　But　there　was　no　feeling　of　fear　in　me。　There　
were；　however；　other　feelings…　

〃You　see；〃　he　said。　〃Perfectly　fine。〃　

My　blood　was　racing；　and　I　wished　I　could　slow　it；　sensing　that　this　must　
make　everything　so　much　more　difficult　—　the　thudding　of　my　pulse　in　my　
veins。　Surely　he　could　hear　it。　

〃The　blush　on　your　cheeks　is　lovely；〃　he　murmured。　He　gently　freed　his　
other　hand。　My　hands　fell　limply　into　my　lap。　Softly　he　brushed　my　cheek；　
then　held　my　face　between　his　marble　hands。　

〃Be　very　still；〃　he　whispered；　as　if　I　wasn't　already　frozen。　

Slowly；　never　moving　his　eyes　from　mine；　he　leaned　toward　me。　Then　
abruptly；　but　very　gently；　he　rested　his　cold　cheek　against　the　hollow　at　
the　base　of　my　throat。　I　was　quite　unable　to　move；　even　if　I'd　wanted　to。　

I　listened　to　the　sound　of　his　even　breathing；　watching　the　sun　and　wind　
play　in　his　bronze　hair；　more　human　than　any　other　part　of　him。　

With　deliberate　slowness；　his　hands　slid　down　the　sides　of　my　neck。　I　
shivered；　and　I　heard　him　catch　his　breath。　But　his　hands　didn't　pause　as　
they　softly　moved　to　my　shoulders；　and　then　stopped。　

His　face　drifted　to　the　side；　his　nose　skimming　across　my　collarbone。　He　
came　to　rest　with　the　side　of　his　face　pressed　tenderly　against　my　chest。　

Listening　to　my　heart。　

〃Ah；〃　he　sighed。　

I　don't　know　how　long　we　sat　without　moving。　It　could　have　been　hours。　
Eventually　the　throb　of　my　pulse　quieted；　but　he　didn't　move　or　speak　
again　as　he　held　me。　I　knew　at　any　moment　it　could　be　too　much；　and　my　
life　could　end　—　so　quickly　that　I　might　not　even　notice。　And　I　couldn't　
make　myself　be　afraid。　I　couldn't　think　of　anything；　except　that　he　was　
touching　me。　

And　then；　too　soon；　he　released　me。　

His　eyes　were　peaceful。　

〃It　won't　be　so　hard　again；〃　he　said　with　satisfaction。　

〃Was　that　very　hard　for　you？〃　

〃Not　nearly　as　bad　as　I　imagined　it　would　be。　And　you？〃　

〃No；　it　wasn't　bad…　for　me。〃　

He　smiled　at　my　inflection。　〃You　know　what　I　mean。〃　

I　smiled。　

〃Here。〃　He　took　my　hand　and　placed　it　against　his　cheek。　〃Do　you　feel　how　
warm　it　is？〃　

And　it　was　almost　warm；　his　usually　icy　skin。　But　I　barely　noticed；　for　I　
was　touching　his　face；　something　I'd　dreamed　of　constantly　since　the　
first　day　I'd　seen　him。　

〃Don't　move；〃　I　whispered。　

No　one　could　be　still　like　Edward。　He　closed　his　eyes　and　became　as　
immobile　as　stone；　a　carving　under　my　hand。　

I　moved　even　more　slowly　than　he　had；　careful　not　to　make　one　unexpected　
move。　I　caressed　his　cheek；　delicately　stroked　his　eyelid；　the　purple　
shadow　in　the　hollow　under　his　eye。　I　traced　the　shape　of　his　perfect　
nose；　and　then；　so　carefully；　his　flawless　lips。　His　lips　parted　under　my　
hand；　and　I　could　feel　his　cool　breath　on　my　fingertips。　I　wanted　to　lean　
in；　to　inhale　the　scent　of　him。　So　I　dropped　my　hand　and　leaned　away；　not　
wanting　to　push　him　too　far。　

He　opened　his　eyes；　and　they　were　hungry。　Not　in　a　way　to　make　me　fear；　
but　rather　to　tighten　the　muscles　in　the　pit　of　my　stomach　and　send　my　
pulse　hammering　through　my　veins　again。　

〃I　wish；〃　he　whispered；　〃I　wish　you　could　feel　the…　plexity…　the　
confusion…　I　feel。　That　you　could　understand。〃　

He　raised　his　hand　to　my　hair；　then　carefully　brushed　it　across　my　face。　

〃Tell　me；〃　I　breathed。　

〃I　don't　think　I　can。　I've　told　you；　on　the　one　hand；　the　hunger　—　the　
thirst　—　that；　deplorable　creature　that　I　am；　I　feel　for　you。　And　I　think　
you　can　understand　that；　to　an　extent。　Though〃　—　he　halfsmiled　—　〃as　you　
are　not　addicted　to　any　illegal　substances；　you　probably　can't　empathize　

pletely。　

〃But…〃　His　fingers　touched　my　lips　lightly；　making　me　shiver　again。　
〃There　are　other　hungers。　Hungers　I　don't　even　understand；　that　are　
foreign　to　me。〃　

〃I　may　understand　that　better　than　you　think。〃　

〃I'm　not　used　to　feeling　so　human。　Is　it　always　like　this？〃　

〃For　me？〃　I　paused。　〃No；　never。　Never　before　this。〃　

He　held　my　hands　between　his。　They　felt　so　feeble　in　his　iron　strength。　

〃I　don't　know　how　to　be　close　to　you；〃　he　admitted。　〃I　don't　know　if　I　
can。〃　

I　leaned　forward　very　slowly；　cautioning　him　with　my　eyes。　I　placed　my　
cheek　against　his　stone　chest。　I　could　hear　his　breath；　and　nothing　else。　

〃This　is　enough；〃　I　sighed；　closing　my　eyes。　

In　a　very　human　gesture；　he　put　his　arms　around　me　and　pressed　his　face　
against　my　hair。　

〃You're　better　at　this　than　you　give　yourself　credit　for；〃　I　noted。　

〃I　have　human　instincts　—　they　may　be　buried　deep；　but　they're　there。〃　

We　sat　like　that　for　another　immeasurable　moment；　I　wondered　if　he　could　
be　as　unwilling　to　move　as　I　was。　But　I　could　see　the　light　was　fading；　
the　shadows　of　the　forest　beginning　to　touch　us；　and　I　sighed。　

〃You　have　to　go。〃　

〃I　thought　you　couldn't　read　my　mind。〃　

〃It's　getting　clearer。〃　I　could　hear　a　smile　in　his　voic